Melancholy And The Infinite Sadness

No, nothing about Smashing Pumpkins. A former employee of SUN, a woman who remained close to everyone on our staff, died over the weekend.

Besides dying far too young, her death was something that she refused to fight, depression and alcoholism totally defeating her will to live. All her friends are mourning her death and wondering what we could have done differently. Our friend eventually cut herself off from everyone close to her, so even the most persistent among us were shut out, our efforts for naught.

I’ve been through this before, my mother’s depression exacerbated her drinking, contributing to her ultimately fatal liver disease. I knew I couldn’t help my friend and I pulled away. I would quickly hang-up on her drunken phone calls and eventually the calls stopped completely.

Now, of course, I feel all kinds of guilt and sadness. I’m also confused. How could anyone be so unhappy that they choose not to live? Like anyone, I get down every once in awhile. But, I see my wife’s smile, my doggies jumping up and asking to play, hear a cool song on the radio, see a beautiful tree in the park–any number of things reinforce how lucky I am to be here, experiencing my life.

Damn!

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One thought on “Melancholy And The Infinite Sadness

  1. Terribly sorry to hear about your loss…
    Your feelings of guilt are all part of grief…ultimately, we’re all in charge of our choices…

    I needn’t tell you…but both Depression and Alcoholism are so insidious that you just lose perspective and have such a distorted sense of self…That’s just a portion of it…the chemical changes in the body make things very difficult to have the will to fight…When it’s a struggle to just exist…pushing oneself to make things better can seem impossible…like bailing out your sinking boat with a thimble…And when it’s just you, a sinking ship, and a rusty thimble…the last thing on your mind is having other people jump in the boat with you…

    Like

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